A policeman was interviewing a man whose store had just been robbed. “It’s bad,” said the owner, “but I’m thankful that he robbed me today instead of yesterday.”
“Why is that?” the policeman asked.
“Because today everything was marked 50% off. So, I only lost half as much.”
Kent Crockett's Sermon Illustrations www.kentcrockett.com
That Is Using Your Noggin
"The doctor's X-rayed my head and found nothing." --Baseball great Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
Actual Lines from Performance Appraisals
These are actual lines from performance appraisals:
1.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
2.Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3.A room temperature IQ.
4.Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5.A gross ignoramus--144times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6.A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7.One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
8.Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
9.Fell out of the family tree.
10.Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11.Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12.If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
13.If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14.If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
15.If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
16.One neuron short of a synapse.
17.Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
18.Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
20.Forgot to pay his brain bill.
21.Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
FROM YEAR END PERFORMANCE REVIEWS:
1."I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
2."He has been working with glue too much."
3."He brings a lot of joy when he leaves the room."
4."When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
Things sold on Ebay:
--A brussel sprout left over from Christmas sold for over $2,700.
--An empty box sold for $51.
(Jay Leno, The Tonight Show, 1/11/06)
*A man into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head. He had forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
*A man broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. (The video recorder was located elsewhere, so he didn't get to see the videotape of himself stealing the camera, although the police did.)