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The Sure Cure For Worry Slaying Your Giants Pastor Abusers Book

Humor

Common Sense

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
 
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
 
Paranoids are people too.  It's easy to criticize them, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.


A Play on Words

A Play on Words
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
 
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
 
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
 
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
 
The batteries were given out free of charge.
 
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
 
A will is a dead giveaway.
 
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
 
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
 
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
 
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
 
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
 
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
 
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
 
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
 
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
 
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
 
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
 
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
 
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
 
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
 
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
 
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
 
Acupuncture: a jab well done.


A Wise Choice

A man in a restaurant opened his menu and read: Today's Special: Tongue of Chicken
When the waitress walked to his table, he said, "Today's Special is tongue of chicken?  That's disgusting!  I would never consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!"

The waitress said, "So what would you like to order?"

"Oh, just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.
Kent Crockett's Sermon Illustrations, www.kentcrockett.com


Good Questions to Ask

If "quitters never win" is a person who quits smoking a loser?
 
Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
 
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
 
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
 
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
 
If we can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay Congress not to raise taxes?
 
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
 
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
 
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
 
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
 
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?


Definitions

 
Adolescent: A teenager who acts like a baby when you don't treat him like an adult
 
Babysitter: Someone you pay to watch your television and eat your food
 
Boy: A noise with dirt on it
 
Brat: A child that acts like your own but belongs to someone else
 

Coffee: Break fluid

 

Dieting: Mind over platter

 

Diplomacy: The art of letting other people have your own way

 

Earthquake: A topographical error

 

Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers

 

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries

 

Grandparent: A grandchild's press secretary
 
Honeymoon: The brief period of time between "I do" and "You'd better!"

 

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer

 

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

 

Millionaire: A billionaire after his taxes are paid

 

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once

 

Nostalgia: Living in the past lane

 

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark

 

Subdivision:  A neighborhood where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them

 
Tater-Tots: Children of couch potatoes
 
Will: A dead giveaway
 
 

Definitions at Work

 

Blamestorming: A creative discussion for finding an appropriate scapegoat.

 

BMWs: Big moaners and whiners.

 

Bobbleheading: Affirmative group head-nodding when the boss speaks.

 

Clockroaches: People who spend more time watching the clock than working.

 

Plutoed: Demoting a project or person to lower status.

 

Prairie dogging: Sticking heads up over cubicle partitions.

Kent Crockett's Sermon Illustrations, www.kentcrockett.com



Tips for Rednecks

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
  • When ears need to be cleaned, it should be done in private using your OWN truck keys.
  • Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  • Refrain from talking to the characters on the movie screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires has the right of way.
  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
  • However, if you live alone, deoderant is a waste of good money.
  • Livestock is a considered a poor choice for a wedding gift.


    Aggie Jokes

    Even though I graduated from Texas A&M, I still love telling Aggie jokes!
     
    Did you hear about the Aggie who thought it was unlucky to be superstitious?
     
    An Aggie rushed home and told his wife, "Honey, now we don't have to move to a more expensive apartment.  The landlord just raised our rent!"
     
    An Aggie told his family that he wanted to be buried at sea.  His two brothers died trying to dig the grave.
     
    A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Aggie were sentenced to death by the guillotine.  The Frenchman went first. The blade came down and stopped several inches from his neck.  The executioner said, "This must be fate.  You are free to go."  The Frenchman said, "Viva la France!"
    Next, it was the Englishman's turn.  Again, the blade came down and stopped just short of his neck.  He too was set free and said, "Long live the king!"
    Before the Aggie put his head in, he said, "If you will untie that knot in the rope, it will come down all the way. Gig 'em Aggies!"


    Letter From College

    Dear Dad,
    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
    Love,
    Your $on
     
    The Reply:
    Dear Son,
    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
    Love,
    Dad


    Bumper Snickers

    Bumper Stickers (This list will be updated)
    • Thank you for not telling me about your grandchildren
    • Have you tormented the devil today?


    Cross Reference:

    Be Sure to Buckle Up

    One-Liners

    Trying to Look Younger

    You Do Not Have to Feel Old

    It Is How You Ask

    Like Father Like Son

    Parenting Wit & Wisdom

    Bad Barber?

    But, did I hear that correctly?

    Letter From Camp

    Name That Church

    The Perfect Pastor

    A Short Story

    What the words REALLY Mean

    Trying to Get Free Advice

    Fun Facts About Chocolate

    Fun Facts About Dieting

    When To Go on a Diet

    One Fry Short of a Happy Meal

    A Moving Sermon

    Not Willing to Pay So Much

    Take the Hint

    Fred Drops Dead

    Golf & Marriage

    But I Am Innocent

    Old Habits Die Hard

    Dog Playing Cards

    The Two Story House

    Too Many Lies

    Marrying For Money

    Just Trust Mom

    The Joys of Being Mom

    The Perfect Gift for Mom

    The Shoe Repair Ticket

    How to Tell Male From Female

    The Big Date

    Stop in the Name of . . .

    Actual Lines from Performance Appraisals

    Stupid Robbers

    The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

    Voting vs. Vision


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