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To Pastors, Authors, and Speakers: These
illustrations are FREE for you to use in writing and speaking. Please
honor this request: HumorDefinitions Adolescent: A teenager who acts like a baby when you don't treat him like an adult
Babysitter: Someone you pay to watch your television and eat your food Boy: A noise with dirt on it
Brat: A child that acts like your own but belongs to someone else Coffee: Break fluid
Dieting: Mind over platter
Diplomacy: The art of letting other people have your own way Earthquake: A topographical error Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries
Grandparent: A grandchild's press secretary
Honeymoon: The brief period of time between "I do" and "You'd better!" Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
Millionaire: A billionaire after his taxes are paid
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once
Nostalgia: Living in the past lane
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark
Subdivision: A neighborhood where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them Tater-Tots: Children of couch potatoes
Will: A dead giveaway Definitions at Work
Blamestorming: A creative discussion for finding an appropriate scapegoat.
BMWs: Big moaners and whiners.
Bobbleheading: Affirmative group head-nodding when the boss speaks.
Clockroaches: People who spend more time watching the clock than working. Plutoed: Demoting a project or person to lower status. Prairie dogging: Sticking heads up over cubicle partitions. Aggie Jokes Even though I graduated from Texas A&M, I still love telling Aggie jokes!
Did you hear about the Aggie who thought it was unlucky to be superstitious?
An Aggie rushed home and told his wife, "Honey, now we don't have to move to a more expensive apartment. The landlord just raised our rent!"
An Aggie told his family that he wanted to be buried at sea. His two brothers died trying to dig the grave.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Aggie were sentenced to death by the guillotine. The Frenchman went first. The blade came down and stopped several inches from his neck. The executioner said, "This must be fate. You are free to go." The Frenchman said, "Viva la France!"
Next, it was the Englishman's turn. Again, the blade came down and stopped just short of his neck. He too was set free and said, "Long live the king!" Before the Aggie put his head in, he said, "If you will untie that knot in the rope, it will come down all the way. Gig 'em Aggies!"
Good Questions to Ask If "quitters never win" is a person who quits smoking a loser?
Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
If we can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay Congress not to raise taxes? Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Letter From College Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad Common Sense It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paranoids are people too. It's easy to criticize them, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Tips for Rednecks Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
A Wise Choice A man in a restaurant opened his menu and read: Today's Special: Tongue of Chicken
When the waitress walked to his table, he said, "Today's Special is tongue of chicken? That's disgusting! I would never consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!"
The waitress said, "So what would you like to order?" "Oh, just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied. Kent Crockett's Sermon Illustrations, www.kentcrockett.com
Bumper Snickers Bumper Stickers (This list will be updated)
Cross Reference:But, did I hear that correctly? Actual Lines from Performance Appraisals The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth
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 Discover the Secrets of Changing Your Perspective in I Once Was Blind but Now
I Squint |
 Find the solutions to 24 spiritual problems in The 911 Handbook. Includes a 26 Lesson study guide. |
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