"Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older. It will avoid you." --Winston Churchill
You Do Not Have to Feel Old
Two men in a retirement center were talking. Norm said, “I’m 85 years old and feel like I'm falling apart. How do you feel George?”
George replied, “Even though I’m almost 100, I feel like a new-born babe.”
“How in the world can you feel like a new-born at your age?” Norm asked.
“I don’t have any teeth, I don’t have any hair, I can’t sleep through the night, and I’m back to wearing diapers.”
Don't Think of It As Getting Older
Birthday Card: "Don't think of it as getting older. Just think of it as going on ahead to check things out for the rest of us."
Trying to Look Younger
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and leaves her body in a "near death experience." She sees a bright light and a voice says, "It's not your time to go. You still have another 30 years to live.” Immediately she goes back into her body and lives again.
The woman decides she has a new reason to live, so she schedules major cosmetic surgery: a face-lift, liposuction, and tummy-tuck. She dyes her hair to cover up her gray, making her look 10 years younger. The next day when she crosses the street, she is hit by a speeding car. She dies again, leaves her body, and sees the bright light.
"Hey, what happened?" she complains. "I thought you said I had another 30 years?"
The voice says, "I’m sorry, but I didn't recognize you."
Kent Crockett's Sermon Illustrations, www.kentcrockett.com
I Can Hear Him Coming
"My ankles creak, my knees crack, my ears ring, and my stomach gurgles. I'm not getting older, I'm getting noiser." --Bob Hope
THE SEVEN AGES OF MAN: Spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills, wills --Richard Needham, The Wit and Wisdom of Richard Needham
AGEING: Youth Deficiency Disorder
OLD-TIMER: Someone who can remember when bacon, eggs, and sunshine were good for us.
BUMPER STICKER: Wrinkled is not one of those things I wanted to be when I grew up.
HAPPY HOUR FOR THE ELDERLY: Afternoon nap
"Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician."
"The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby."
"Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells stay forever."
"You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing."
Be Sure to Buckle Up
At a nursing home, a resident said, "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift a cup of coffee. My cararacts are so bad I can't even see my toothbrush. I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck. My blood pressure medicine makes me dizzy. But thank God, I can still drive!"
Your Age in Fractions
"When you're younger, you think of your age in fractions. 4 1/2, 5 1/2. You don't hear 36 1/2. You become 2, you turn 40, you reach 50, you make it to 60. By now you're going so fast you hit 70!" --Mark Lowry
Formula to Make People Look Younger
Did you know scientists have developed a formula to make people look younger? They just have to iron out a few wrinkles before it goes on the market.